Last week my friend Crystal Daye published a couple episodes of her new podcast series “Diary of a Jesus Girl”. I tuned in while working. It was riveting but because I was short staffed and busy some of it started to fade into the background until the line I quoted as my title “insecurity leads to disobedience”. I hit rewind and listened again during my free time so I could really zone in on what was being said. That line wrecked me. She said your insecurity cannot be bigger than your willingness to obey God. I suggest you listen after reading this but the gist of what jumped out the podcast and into my thinking was that our insecurities cause us to shy away from the things we are called and have talent to do. This shrinking leads us to be disobedient i.e. we do not do what we know in our hearts God is calling us to do.
Confession time. I have always, always loved writing. When I was younger my Dad had cupboards and boxes filled with books. He would write my name on the outside edge “Kav”. It felt like he was daring me to read them all. Sydney Sheldon, Dan Brown, Danielle Steele, John Grisham were among his favorites and quickly became mine. These authors inspired me to write stories, compositions and essays of my own. I was the girl with stacks of diaries filled with thoughts, emotions and poems; lots and lots of poems. Poetry was the gateway to exploring how I really felt about things. Somehow though I never felt confident enough to share my words. My insecurities led me to withhold my gift to the world for a long time. Sure, I’d share my words to my friends as needed. I remember at university a friend started an online poetry thread and I was delighted because I could post under a pseudonym or a two and get feedback without spotlight. It was fire to my soul. The feedback was good but I never got the courage to keep writing publicly when the site closed.
After the episode I started to wonder how many souls have missed the opportunity to hear or see God through my gift. I know I can’t go back and I’ve forgiven myself but I do wonder. Instead of replaying the past like a closed loop video I will continue writing and posting as I committed at the beginning of the year. Mind you, its difficult to write impersonal posts in this space so if it isn’t real to me I won’t write about it. But one thing is for sure I am open, ready and actively using what God has invested in me. The time for procrastinating is long gone. My questions for you are: what insecurity is causing you to be disobedient? What scares you into anonymity and prevents you from sharing what God has placed on your heart and in your hands? Are you like Moses filled with excuses: I stutter, I don’t speak well, I cant … (fill in the blank). I know you were able to finish the sentence with a thought of that thing you withhold. Stop procrastinating. STOP. You know the “what”. Pray and ask for the “who”. The when is now. Start creating. Start doing. Be available, be open and stop shrinking. God will lead you to your market or to your audience. One person touched by your gift is better than burying it. Don’t let your gift die with you when it’s your time to leave this side of eternity. Let’s be like Kobe and leave it all on the court.
The words of the Apostle Paul in 2 Timothy 4 challenge me and I hope they do the same for you. He said:
As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God. The time of my death is near. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing.
2 Timothy 4:6-8 NLT
Write Fully Yours
Lady Kavan
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This speaks to me on so many levels, it’s hard to explain here. I know for me it was the same with my writing. My blogs that have blessed people the most were several years in the making because of insecurity about the response not so much the gift. To be transparent, I have paused writing a blog to read your post. I received the inspiration for it several months but have been putting it off for different reasons. This is definitely a nudge.