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P.S. I Love You

If you are a rom com/chick flick/sucker for love/emotional movie kinda person, the title of this blog should ring a bell. It’s that 2007 movie with Gerard Butler and Hilary Swank where Gerry (the husband) dies but to help her healing process he leaves a series of letters post mortem that come at seemingly random moments from different sources. The letters provided instructions and encouragement to live her life fully without his physical presence. I love that movie, I think it would make my top 10 romantic movies that include among others the Notebook, Love and Basketball and Crazy Beautiful. Anyway, I came home exhausted and strangely emotional so what do I do? I torture myself with the sappy movie so I can bawl my eyes out. Surely, there must be an easier way to release my emotional tension! Nope, not me. Romance /drama movies are my drug of choice.

When my bawl fest was over I started to think about love. I love love. I love being loved. I love loving the people around me, but mostly I love that peace I have from knowing the God of the Universe loves me unconditionally. Someone asked me recently, how did I manage to love again? I said, in my view point there are two directions you can take when handling grief; you either shut down and close your heart off from the possibility of deeply feeling for anyone and anything OR you choose to grab hold of life in its fullness and embrace love in all its glorious facets. For me, I started down the first road. I made an internal promise to myself never to love again. I could not fathom it. But I soon came to realize the walls I build to shut love out also shut me within myself. It became difficult to relate to the people I wanted to love; my boys, my mom, my friends. I knew if I let myself feel anything at all I risked my whole fortress crumbling. It did not feel like living at all but I felt this was the best way to prevent my world from shattering again. It was a lonely numb place.

One day I had the epiphany that since Chris (my first husband) sacrificed himself for his family, if I were to function like a zombie and not truly live then I wasted his sacrifice. My mind went back to a conversation we had before he passed about wanting each other to live fully if the other person were gone. I recognized in that moment that to live fully, no holding back was my best gift to him. So I honour his memory by holding on to the people I care about. I try to choose quality of conversation over quantity. I laugh loudly, I sob uncontrollably, I think deeply and I allow myself to feel every emotion. The ones that lead me to unhealthy pathways like anger and bitterness I give myself a time frame to feel them, to explore the emotion and then I let them go like waves receding from the shore.

When I re-met Carlton (long story), I was still on the first road. He was my auto-mechanic and my knight in greasy armour but nothing more. When I decided to crawl out of my fortress occasionally, he was there making me laugh and getting me out of my head. When it got scary, I crawled back into the fortress. When I had the epiphany and started to pull the fortress down brick by brick he was there. He was patient and never rushed my process. He allowed me to cry when I needed to and never disrepected Chris’ memory. He still does this and I love him for it.

I’ve observed that walled hearts find it hard to see the light. I find that people who are so focused on protecting their hearts miss the joy and beauty of love and being loved on deeper levels. This is not to say they have no fun or walk around miserable. Most people will not even recognize they are in the “walled in heart crew” until they encounter Love. Love (God) whispers P.S. I love you over the course of history via His Word with timely reminders of His all-sufficient grace. He loves on us lavishly all the time but until we release the fear of being hurt we will be hard pressed to see it. Until we abandon the need  to have all answers, all the time before making a move, we remain stuck in “could have” and “should have” thoughts. I saw a quote recently from an unknown source that said “sometimes we want greater clarity when what we need is deeper trust”. The quote hit me hard because Im still in the beginner class for deep trust but I’m trying. So when my heart quakes, I remind myself that Love loves me and that if I open my heart to Him, He will direct my path.

Write Fully Yours

Lady Kavan

P.S. I love you, says God.

Trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions. With all your heart rely on him to guide you, and he will lead you in every decision you make.
Proverbs 3:5 TPT

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Toy Cars and Match Boxes

I like to sit at the window seat when I take the plane. When I look outside shortly after take off, the cars and the buildings look like toy cars and match boxes. Soon, they become unrecognizable specks and I can only identify larger patterns; city grid, farm land, mountain range or body of water.

I also love water. The beach or any spot overlooking the ocean brings me such calm. I think it’s because each time I look out at the expanse of the water, I am reminded of how small I am in comparison. The open water points me to a Greater Source that keeps this massive element in check. I mean, land and sea operate in vastly different ways yet, when all is well, there is such synergy.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about the toy cars and match boxes we strive to maintain. As adults, how many hours in our day revolve around earning funds to purchase lease or rent these? How many hours are spent maintaining these things? I’m certainly not suggesting that we should not. I’m just asking myself.. how important are these treasures I store up? What is the true cost of my possessions? What am I trading in to acquire them? When I’m on my “A-game”, I work, bills are paid, house is cleaned, laundry done, I splurge on retail therapy and like clockwork I push and fight to maintain the cycle without falling off balance.

Lately. I’ve been feeling like there has to be more. It all seems so insular and selfish sometimes; my house, my car, my perfect children, my enviable career. I’m not at the level of having gained the world but I believe we lose our souls a little at a time, not all at once. I believe we lose it when we become so pigeonholed in our thinking that we forget about our neighbour. I believe we lose our souls a little bit when we don’t look up and out of our own concerns to be there for someone else. I’m not saying we should all be grandiose in our projects to help others. I’m just self examining. Am I helpful to the people who live in my house? How do they see me at work? Am I a team player or all for my own glory? Am I simply a nice person? I know that I don’t have to be a socialite to be pleasant. Do I operate like that? When I leave that job would the security guard notice I was gone because I used to be the one who paused to smile at him or cared to know him or her by name?

As the questions ramble on in my head, it climaxes at this thought. What do I want to be remembered for? My aim is to not care too much if my name was spoken before great people IF the people I see and work with everyday find me obnoxious, moody, miserable or even worst selfish. I want to be remembered for being a nice, welcoming, helpful, loving and brave. When I think of the people I love, who have gone before me, I scarcely remember their accolades. I remember how they made me laugh or how they made me feel. When I am gone, I want to be felt not recollected. I don’t want to gather toy cars and match boxes at the expense of love, empathy and intimacy for the people I encounter in my everyday.

I leave these words of Scripture with you from the Passion Translation. I have been thinking about it. It may or may not be familiar, but read it slowly and intentionally…

If I were to speak with eloquence in earth’s many languages, and in the heavenly tongues of angels, yet I didn’t express myself with love, my words would be reduced to the hollow sound of nothing more than a clanging cymbal. And if I were to have the gift of prophecy with a profound understanding of God’s hidden secrets, and if I possessed unending supernatural knowledge, and if I had the greatest gift of faith that could move mountains, but have never learned to love, then I am nothing. And if I were to be so generous as to give away everything I owned to feed the poor, and to offer my body to be burned as a martyr , without the pure motive of love, I would gain nothing of value.
1 Corinthians 13:1‭-‬3 TPT

Think about it. What motivates you, is it toy cars and match boxes or is it love?

Write Fully Yours

Lady Kavan

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Up and Thankful

I have a friend Liz (Elizabeth Stanley) who is battling with cancer. Each morning I look for her status updates on WhatsApp…. “Up and thankful” she says every morning. She goes on to extol God in a few updates declaring Him her healer or whatever perspective she has of God that morning. It’s never the same updates either, not copy and pasted from yesterday. She posts pics of her family and all the people she loves. It is beautiful. She battles the scary monsters in her life with gratitude.

I imagine that every morning can’t feel like sunshine and roses but she declares who her God is, not what she is going through. Scripture says in everything in all circumstances give thanks (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Everything? All things? Nah maybe that should read most things or some things. Yet, when I get complainy and agitated that my circumstance doesn’t reflect my expectation, that scripture whispers to my soul. I’ll admit, sometimes I do an internal eye roll and think You must be kidding. I take a deep breath and I start grasping at what feels like straws scattered across motionful ocean. But as I begrudgingly note the little things I am grateful for I start finding more. The straws become logs or a door I can lay on until the rescue boat arrives. I’m sorry if you didn’t get that Titanic reference but it was too easy not to use. I digress.

Up and thankful! I am alive and clearly if you are reading this so are you. Believe me, if you think of your darkest day, the day that makes you cringe when you think about it, even that day has some thing you can be grateful for. On my darkest day the best of us was stolen from us but it could have been six of us. On that day every device of value was stolen except the one resting prominently on the chest of drawers a gift Chris had sacrificed to buy for Matthew. It would be the last one. See gratitude is possible.

Think back on your D-day. What can you be thankful for? And if that day isn’t today it should be easier to make a list. If you need to write them down so you can repeat them through the day. Do that.

Today I’m grateful for…

You taking the time to read my posts

I am physically well

I am loved and I know it

My boys did not wake me up early, they let me sleep in

My Family

God’s peace that rests in my heart in a way I cant understand

The deals I’m believing for when I go to the supermarket today. 🙂

Now it’s your turn. Post your gratitude list in the comment section below.

Write Fully Yours
Lady Kavan

Tale of an Immigrant

January 3rd marks my 2 year Canniversary (Canadian Anniversary). In 2018, I took my boys, packed our lives in 6 suitcases and headed to distant shores. I guess culturally this is typical for a Jamaican searching for fresh opportunities but no less intimidating.

For me, a fresh start was a need. Jamaica carries bitter sweet memories. I love my country and my culture but violence had me restless and honestly fearful. I also didn’t want to keep being the lady who people, having heard my story, did that pitiful head tilt to when they saw me. I didn’t want to be the lady who’s work and input was being measured by what she was going through rather than the work itself. I also did not want the boys to grow up in an environment where this horrible thing that happened to them always overshadowed.

Anyway, since it’s been two years I’ll share 2 major lessons I’ve learned.

The first is that seasons are a real thing. I know what you are thinking. As children, along with ABC’s and counting to 10, we learned the days of the week, seasons and months of the year. But when you grow up on an island where the coldest recorded temperature in the capital in history was 18°c, the word season becomes a foreign concept that you understand in theory but not so much in reality. Yes, there was a dry season and a rainy season. However, Jamaica’s weather is really an endless summer by Canadian standards.

More important than the fact that there are four seasons is how much those impact culture, moods and perspectives. Short of a proper storm, Canadians are not defeated by weather phenomena. They dress for it and move on. Oh I long for the days when a light shower of rain was a perfectly normal reason to not show up for an event. Canadians have found ways to celebrate every season. When it’s summer, everyone from the young to the old, makes the most of every minute of sunshine. Outdoor play, barbecues, beach, water parks, hiking you name it. As winter draws nigh, winter sports and family get togethers become the norm. Your neighbours disappear into their homes and indoor playgrounds become the place to take your children.

The real lesson though is that just as seasons in nature change, they do in your life too. No circumstance is permanent. In fact change is inevitable and stagnation is unnatural. Every other occupant of earth, even rocks, embrace change. As humans why don’t we? I feel like God has been orchestrating a major life lesson in change management since 2015. Let me summarize; in 5 years I have changed 3 jobs, been married, widowed, single mom, dating and married again. I have lived in 5 homes and 2 countries. I became a certified project manager as well as certified insurance broker and now I’m returning to my first love of writing.

How do I remain sane, focused and relenting? I have to anchor to something, rather someone who is constant, always present and never changing. “For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed.” Malachi 3:6. To keep thriving I am learning to be pliable. I try to find something to enjoy in each season and if I can’t find the joy I try to at least be grateful for something. Rest assured, wintry seasons turn to spring, spring turns to summer and summer to fall. The good news is that no matter how dark and cold the winter, spring is coming.

The second is the importance of community and networking. I suppose I took this concept for granted because my core support network was always with me. Jamaica being the way it is, someone knows someone who knows you and vice versa. When I came to Canada I learned quickly that it’s almost impossible to live isolated lives and survive here. I need my family they need me in a real sense. I needed to connect with organizations that offered help with settling and employment. My Jamaican community in person and social media groups all helped to soften the blow of homesickness. My new church family means so much to me. I’m honored to walk with them as we discover God’s purpose for our lives. The scripture says it this way Ecclesiastes 4: 9 – 10 “Two are better than one because they have a more satisfying return for their labor; for if they fall.either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and does not have another to lift him up.” Get connected my lovies!

Thanks for joining me in 2020.

Write Fully Yours

Lady Kavan

Tis the season to be…

Tis the season to be… I know instinctively the words to the famous carol will chime through your mind. .. Jolly fa-la-la-la-la… The pressure is on to be happy and loving and busy with all the fanfare of the season. I know when you read this post the food would have been eaten, the gifts would have been opened and the festivities are quieting as we anticipate the New Year. But, what if we just left it as “tis the season to be”? What if we slowed down enough to be Present, Prayerful, Prepared, Proactive and Pliable as we close out the year and step into the next.

Be Present. Presents mean nothing without your presence. Give the gift of intentional time with your loved ones. December always reminds me of how fleeting life is. So I try to be present with those in my presence. I’m not super human so I do get distracted with my chores with my phone and with TV like the next woman but I do try to pause and play a made up game with my children sometimes. I sit and talk and laugh with my family. Nothing beats a belly laugh springing from joy in your heart. Scripture calls it good medicine (Prov. 17:22). Be present enough where you live or work or traverse through the day to notice someone else who may need you to look them in the eye with a caring face so they feel less alone.

Be Prayerful. Prayer has evolved for me. Its not just the words I whisper when I wake in the morning or before bed. It’s the open line of communication I have with my Creator. So I’m rushing out of the house and I cant find something, I say Holy Spirit lead me to it help me. I’m making a purchase and I’m asking God to help me figure out if its both a good deal and a buy it now deal vs a good deal but wait for another time deal. In other words, I involve His input. I use the brain He gave me to reason and make sense of it but I pause to listen for His voice and to get a sense of His Peace.

Be Prepared. You know I was a Brownie and a Girl Scout and in my day our motto was just that “be prepared”. The idea was that any challenge you faced was more surmountable if you prepared yourself physically and mentally. So let’s get to goal setting. Write out the vision you have for your life, break it up into small pieces and set measurable targets to conquer those small pieces. I won’t get it to details on how to plan but you can connect with my friend and Christian Empowerment Coach Crystal http://crystaldaye.com/. She has a beautiful purpose planner for 2020 that is a free downloadable resource on her site.

Be Proactive. To prepare or plan is the first step. However being proactive is like doing a risk assessment for said plan. In other words, start looking at the possible obstacles to what you’ve set out to do and figure out how best to get around them. The new decade is upon us and I’m not sure how your year went but mine felt like I was hiking barefooted through a dangerous forest and I misplaced my supply bag. In retrospect, I think that while I made a plan I wasn’t proactive. I didn’t assess the risks enough to be mentally prepared. So when some of those plans fell through I was devastated and without a plan B.

Be Pliable. In my previous post I spoke about the Illusion of Control, which I believe was one of my major life lessons of 2019. My aim going forward is to be more pliable, more malleable when a circumstance flexes its muscles in its attempt to break me. I want to be like water. It can adapt to the shape of its container, or flow over when it needs more room, it can be as solid as a wall or flexible enough to allow things to pass through. Water stops at nothing in its quest to get to its destination. It will find away around rocks through cracks through anything. Water can be playful and fun yet intimidating and dangerous, if not respected, all at the same time. I want this to be true of me.

See you in the next decade.

Write Fully Yours,

Lady Kavan

The Illusion of Control

Hey, have you ever watched the show Brain Games? It delves into cognitive science, focusing on illusions and psychological experiments. In a few of the episodes, it highlights how much of your observed environment the human brain excludes from conscious thought in the name of efficiency or protection. I’ve been mulling over this phrase and the more that I do I realize that our definition of control can keep us in an unsafe illusion.

Control is the power to influence or direct people’s behaviour or the course of events. As a driver, I control the vehicle I drive. As a mom, I have the power to influence the direction of my sons’ lives. At work, I have control over my areas of responsibility. However, we know all too often that things happen outside the perimeter of our control. Sometimes life blindsides us. The unexpected happens and we are left grasping for the semblance of normalcy again. 

 For instance, true story… It’s 6:30 a.m. It is freezing outside and I’m in the morning zone with the boys. Coats, check. Boots, check. Hats, check. We get into the car, seatbelts on, car warm and I pull of out the driveway. By the looks of things, everything seems normal, I was in control of my day. Unknown to me a thin layer of ice was hiding on the road surface and for a second the car started to head into a direction I was not intending it to go. For those 2 seconds, I was not in control, the ice was. Very often, life lays that thin layer of ice and we do all we can to get back to safety.

I think with all the responsibility adulting lays on us we can get the false sense that every detail of our lives is up to us. It’s the illusion that we control it all. The illusion of control convinces me that my input and my effort will always lead exactly to my outcome. This can cause us to process life’s happenings incorrectly. We plan (as we should) but how many variables are truly ours to control? Can we as individuals’ control someone else’s choices, the global economy, or the weather? So how do I account for what I can’t control? What do I do when circumstances throw my plans through the window or splinter them into a thousand pieces? On the flip side, when grace and favor adds flavor to our efforts and throws doors open that you know would have been unlikely with your effort alone, who gets the glory? Do you attribute that to luck, is it just all you or is Christ lifted up?

I remember battling with thoughts of blame after my first husband died. I retraced our steps over and over trying to figuring out how I could have done something else. But I wasn’t in control when evil hatched a plan to break in. I did not pull the trigger. I remember when I was headed hunted for a job in a new industry at the point where I was considering leaving a company I worked with for a decade. Within the space of 6 months my income almost doubled. It was not just the new salary. A few months after I started wage negotiations in play a year before concluded and I was a blessed beneficiary. In retrospect I know God orchestrated it so that when I lost Chris the blow to my finances was significant but manageable.

So how do we process life without the illusion of control? We pray, we plan and we leave our hearts open to change. We must not hold so tightly to any possession, person, place or perspective that we are shattered when have to let it go. Jesus is the only constant in our changing world and our hope must be hidden in Him. We cling to Him for the answers we need and remain patient to hear His response, even when it takes longer than we think it should. (That last point was for me. Im working on it)

Write Fully Yours

Lady Kavan

Mic Check

It’s been eleven months. As I dust the cobwebs off this page I must admit I’m a bit embarrassed for leaving you hanging. I apologize. The good news is I haven’t stopped writing. I’ve spent the last eleven months pouring into my book. The one where you get to see me intimately. The book that I knew I had to write but scares every molecule in my being. Thankfully the core writing is done and I only have bits of homework from my coach and publisher Crystal Daye. Of course, you will get first dibs on all book related news. Now I get to focus on connecting with you again. I missed you. I promise you’ll hear from me soon. I have thoughts I want to share with you.

Write Fully Yours,

Lady Kavan

Beyond the Photos

When I was younger, our version of Facebook was stacks of photo albums in the living room. We gladly pulled them out to show our guests when we entertained and used them as a source of family amusement when we were alone. I don’t recall seeing pictures of family feuds or moments when we were broken. We didn’t take pictures of meatless meals when our parents could not afford more.

The fact is more often than not, we humans have documented the good and the beautiful in our lives. We document what we want to remember not what we choose to forget. The albums were meant to be memories of the milestones, the markers and points in time we were smiling and doing something wonderful. They help to give us hope during melancholy seasons that one day that smile will return. They remind us that things were never all bad.

We berate social media all the time for the way it has handcuffed this generation to its varied electronic devices, but I believe it has its place. As an immigrant my best friends are thousands of miles away and yet they feel reachable. Our posts are often used as reminders to check in and have actual conversation. Like the photo albums in my childhood living room, the posts become an invitation for a deeper conversation.

I can’t tell you how much inspiration and strength I’ve drawn from strangers posting an inspirational thought or post in what seems like divine timing. Oh how powerful the process of learning when nuggets of facts and truth are posted. Social media is rich with the potential to learn and grow. I am learning to use it wisely.

The scripture in Prov 16:27 says: “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop. This truth can be applied to so many things but let’s think about it in the context of social media. Have you, like me, ever been guilty of scrolling aimlessly through feeds when there are a million more productive things to do. Idling, procrastinating, disengaging from your current life, whatever the choice of word, its opening the gateway of our minds to more clutter. It gives our enemy more ammunition to distract us from the important things, to throw you off your plans and open up an avenue for unhealthy comparison.

With that I’m challenging myself for the next month to be intentional about my social media use. My theme word for this year is discipline, because I need that to accomplish all the things on my vision board this year. So, timer on Kavanaugh! You have a maximum of 1 hour to check your usual platforms for updates. Notifications off. Are you coming with me? Let’s do this.

It’s Healthy to Remember

It was close to midnight. The house was quiet because everyone had retreated to bed. The night light was my only visible company and my thoughts became almost audible. The thoughts I had been avoiding all week found an audience with my consciousness. It was the eve of December 7th and I did not know what to do with it, how I would respond or how I should respond. On the one hand, who wants to recall the horror of it all. Yet, I knew I could not ignore it.

There was a lot happening, I had set the release date of the devotional to December 7th, hoping to mix a little joy into the sadness I invariably felt on this day. It is as if my mind has permission from an unknown source on this day, to mount the memory of that horrid morning on the screen of my mind. Replay, rewind, repeat. Learning to grief with hope is still an active lesson in life’s curriculum for me and I’m still trying to get it right.

I spent the day riding the waves. I cried when I needed to but was intentional about finding reasons to smile or even laugh. I was excited that the devotional was out and that people were encouraged by it. I was honoured that at least my pain could be used for something beyond me. I was grateful that somehow God was able to process the mess of that day to fertilize growth in the future.

Eventually, I want to get beyond “surviving” the day. I want to be able to explain to the boys, when they are older, what happened that morning. I want them, us, to remember December 7th as the day their father gave the ultimate sacrifice in an attempt to keep them safe. It’s the day that reminds us, pushes us even, to live fully. Anything less is an indictment on his memory. To live less than fully would refute the sacrifice he made, he would have died for nothing.

I can’t help but think how much this should already be the case for those of us who accept the gift of Christ’s sacrifice. He gave it all, not just for earthly abundance but a far more eternal gift. I feel as though I’ve been doubled dared to live and to do it fully holding nothing back. Like His heavenly Father, my late husband Chris did nothing in half measures. He was an all or nothing kind of guy. He was either a christian or not, he was either committed to a task or not. If he gave his word he honored it. Those lessons I take with me now every day. Lessons I commit to teaching our sons.

“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” (Jn 10:10, NLT). When I reflect on that morning the thief did accomplish its mission from a physical or temporal perspective with the ultimate aim of stealing my faith, killing my hope and destroying any path to a successful future.  However, My God in His ability to do abundantly above our thoughts and imagination provides for needs we didn’t realize we had.  This includes the need for peace and a firm anchoring in Him that has nothing to do with possession, other people, or circumstances. In that place, His plans, opportunities and purpose unveil themselves like a comet in the night sky.

My encouragement is no matter how dark the day, hold on to the  immutable hands of a Good Father who loves you more than you can fathom. I double dare you. LIVE!

The Concept of Collateral Beauty

I lay curled up in bed one night, too tired to sleep too tired to be actively doing anything. Instead of grabbing a book or trying to absorb new information, I turned to Netflix. There was a curious title on the list. Collateral Beauty. It had Will Smith so I decided to watch.

Without betraying the movie in case you want to watch it, there is a scene where a character explains collateral beauty. She says when her daughter was dying at the hospital an old lady said “just make sure you notice the collateral beauty”.  She described it as the profound connection to everything she would come to recognize some time after her daughter passed. Her comment “It’ll never bring her back and it will never ever make it okay, but I promise you its there” just punctured the dam and the rivers started to flow.

If Websters Dictionary defines collateral damage as  injury inflicted on something other than an intended target specifically. For me then collateral beauty is the beauty and meaning to life discovered unintentionally as a result of an ugly occurrence. Collateral beauty unveils daily in the eyes of my boys. I sense it in the intense empathy I now feel for other people’s sorrow. It is made clear in the beauty of seasons and nature and art and all that is.

In plain language, tragedy forced me to grow up and slow down enough to look outside my bubble and see the world around me. I now acknowledge that my time is finite, that death is imminent and Love is all we have. He is all that matters. He  is our raison d’être and every action and reaction should flow from that understanding.

Yet, He being Love, loves us as if there was no one else. He loves as if we were the most important things in the universe. He works our progress and our failures, our tragedies and our victories into a beautiful rendition of a poem called good. Now that I have another name for it, I’m going to use it.  I will remind myself to look for collateral beauty in every circumstance I find myself in.