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Survivor’s Guilt

I used to jump out of my sleep in a panic. I remember what a gift Chris was to us. I look at my life and all I am blessed with and I think… why me? Why did I survive that horrific night and he didn’t? Let’s be frank. If that night was about merit, I wouldn’t be the one writing this today. Do you ever feel guilty that you survived? That you made it through a circumstance and someone you know or loved didn’t?

I carried that weight for a long time. I was suicidal. I couldn’t sleep. I thought, like the movie Final Destination, that death missed me that night and it was coming back for me in a more horrific way. I don’t have these thoughts anymore which is why it was strange this topic is resting so heavily on my mind. So maybe this post is for you or maybe I have more guilt to release. The thing is that when I focused on trying to figure out “the why”, I could not. Instead I felt like I was in an unsolvable maze of possibilities without a definite conclusion. Some things, I suppose, we will not have an answer for in this lifetime. However, when I shifted my focus to what I could do having survived, the game changed.

I gave myself permission to laugh, to love and to have fun. I chose to hold on to and value the relationships that mean much to me. I dared myself to explore new lands and to replant my family in a new environment. I tried new foods and went to places I had labelled as “some day” places. I wrote two books and shared my thoughts with the world via my blog. I ditched my fear and opened my mouth to speak the wisdom I heard from God. I no longer see life as a marathon. It is made of short sprints that we take every day not knowing when our finish line comes.

Make the choice to heal. Yes, it is a choice. I can choose to hold on to my pain. I can choose to build walls that prevent me from loving and feeling. I can stay fixated on what I lost and lose what I still have. Breathing but not living is an indictment on every grave. I may have mentioned before that if I didn’t make the choice to heal I would have wasted Chris’ sacrifice that night. He would have died for nothing. This brought me to the deeper revelation that if I did nothing with the life God gave me His sacrifice would be for nothing.

Is guilt holding you from living? Truly? Take the first step… acknowledge that it is a choice and choose differently.

“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!
Deuteronomy 30:19 NLT

Write Fully Yours

Lady Kavan

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For Anty

I can’t remember her not being there. I’ve known her all my life. She was… so strange to use that tense … it must not be true. Why should I have to count you among the precious treasures lost in the year that was 2020? Grief comes in waves and I suppose my thoughts of you today beckoned this  tumult over my soul.

Aunt Novlyn was my mother’s best friend and at some point was also her sister in law. I simply called her Anty. In Jamaican parlance, we would tease them as “bench and batty” in other words inseparable. Few people could engage my mom in long conversation without her recoiling to her introverted shell. Anty could. Let’s not get into the shopping expeditions, the baking and cooking marathons or the vacation trips they did together. They were sisters-in-love; sisters by choice.

She was present at every one of my major life events that I can remember except one. She would say “niecey, you alright? We have to be grateful for another day.” I would respond, “Yes Anty, I’m okay.” Only now, with this, I am not okay. My mom is sad and I didn’t get to say goodbye. Regret is grief’s worse enemy. I hadn’t told you I love you in a while. I hadn’t shared how happy I was with how you looked after mom since I’ve been away, since always really. I hadn’t told you that your friendship was a goal for me; 4 decades, 4 children, 3 marriages, divorce and widowhood. Your relationship stood the test of time and I admired it. I suppose I assumed you would be here longer. I didn’t realize you were so ill but it is my fault that I hadn’t checked in. I didn’t tell you how I appreciated every sumptuous meal, every scavenger hunt to the stores in town to get what I needed and your words of encouragement when I became a widow because you had been on that road before. You understood my pain and you gave me hope. My Anty, I will never forget.

Loss and pain is a difficult part of the human experience. You can expect it but nothing quite prepares you for it. Emotional resilience is not achieved by ignoring how you feel. It is acknowledging, embracing and releasing the pain when it subsides. Emotional resilience is an adaptation within your being. It is the building of emotional muscles to lift the heavy weight of pain, grief and suffering. Fortunately, we need not suffer alone.  The Lord is close to all whose hearts are crushed by pain, and he is always ready to restore the repentant one. Psalms 34:18 TPT.

Write Fully Yours,

Lady Kavan

PS. I want to pray for those of my readers grieving or hurting. Message me in the comments or send me an email.

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Hindsight is 20/20

Confession: I’ve been struggling with what to write for this last piece of 2020. I thought about writing something upbeat witty and inspirational to get you pumped for the new year. I also thought about a more somber piece that would cause pause and reflection. I couldn’t quite decide so I’m going to write and we will discover it together.

Disclaimer: 20/20 was not my worse year yet. Before you roll your eyes and stop reading… I only know this in hindsight. It felt horrible and heavy with one scary thing after the other. It was painful with relationship issues. My heart was broken with grief when I lost loved ones. Truth is on the surface it sucked (understatement)

Revelation: About a month ago, I was watching a sermon on favor. It prompted me to examine the year through different lens. Yes, it was painful and there was a lot I wanted to do but couldn’t. BUT, through every heart wrenching, scary, depressing moment, God was very present. He held my sanity. He provided when I thought there wouldn’t be enough for the bills. Let’s get really simple… I am alive and since you are reading this so are you. “The proof of the favor of God on your life is not the absence of attack or ambiguity in your life” S. Furtick.

Rumination: I started to think about what possible good came out of 2020. The more I thought, the more things I could find. I started with the ones that jumped out quickly and as I dug deeper my “good things snowball” began to cascade down the hill of my thoughts and smashed the thought “2020 is the worst year of my life”. I think my most important thing of 2020 was sensing God’s presence anchor me. When I threw a grief party and couldn’t climb out of the hole, God sent a word that brought peace. It was the year I grew a deeper understanding of the Lord as my Shepherd; I shall not lack anything. No, it wasn’t a year I sung, danced  or fought through. It was indeed the year I walked through the valley of death’s shadow. I feared a lot but God remained with me teaching me I didn’t need to.

Conclusion: I am looking forward to 2021, not because I think the stroke of midnight will cause a miraculous shift that will make all my troubles disappear. I am looking forward to how God will show up when shtuff hits the fan and I need a clean up on aisle 2. I am excited about the ways God will open unexpected doors of opportunity that I will hopefully have the good sense to recognize and walk through. I am thrilled that because He is my Source I won’t need to worry if or when my employment status gets shaky. Finally, I am ready to see what God can do through me. Are you? Share your thoughts in the comments.

Write Fully Yours,

Lady Kavan

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Ditching “The Ghost of You – Past”

Have you ever looked back at something you did and literally cringed. I certainly have a few (don’t be modest Kavanaugh), a  lot of cringeworthy moments. In fact, I have whole seasons. In my book, Worthy of Life and Love I spoke about how my unhealed places almost cost me my first marriage. What I didn’t mention was the friendships I lost along the way. You see, these untreated wounds caused a paradox between my faith and my actions. I must have confused a few people. In 2004, I wrote a poem about this paradox:


Place where what you believe and what you do take separate roads
Atrophy of the mind… consuming confusion condemns
Ready to rear its ugly head
An anamoly by definition; it does not fit like
Darwinian Judeo-Christianic fanatacism and holy whores
Only making sense in reality but never in theory
X-ray her mind and you may find a holy whore hoping He’ll heal her

Kavanaugh (January 29, 2004)

So last week, when a picture of an old acquaintance popped up on my social feed, I cringed. Then, I broke out in full blown tears in the car parking lot. What I felt was shame, disappointment in myself and the pain of lost relationships all over again. In my rant to God I explained how hurt I was that people I held dear walked away, chaining me to my flaws and my past without seeing anything else. Were they my friends anyway? At the same time, part of me knew that the paradox I spoke of earlier caused mistrust in my intentions and character. Regardless, in that moment I realized I was still carrying that pain. I was mad at me for the ways that my life had not lined up with my faith and sad that I may have caused a few to stumble. I was tempted to wallow in self loathing but then I heard His Spirit say “you’ve already been forgiven; can you forgive yourself?”

Isn’t that a wonderful picture of grace – favor unmerited and unearned? ‘For it was only through this wonderful grace that we believed in him. Nothing we did could ever earn this salvation, for it was the gracious gift from God that brought us to Christ! So no one will ever be able to boast, for salvation is never a reward for good works or human striving.’ Ephesians 2:8-9. I was listening to a message by Pastor Furtick in which he said: “dont judge your yesterdays decisions with today’s wisdom”. That line smacked me in the heart in a good way. Had I known then what I know now I wouldn’t have done the things I did, but I couldn’t have known the things I do now without those cringeworthy experiences. I can’t undo my history but I can ditch “the ghost of me – past”. I cannot let her hold me back or make me shrink in shame for things that have already been forgiven. God is able to heal hearts, even the ones I broke and I have to trust that He will take care of it. Trust me I am not being cavalier or unfeeling. I must remain open to God’s prompting if he opens a door to reconciliation or healing in an area of my past but I also understand I won’t always be able to fix it.

So when the “ghost of you – past” pays you a visit, carrying with it a long list of your indiscretions and straight up horrible things that you did, do yourself a favour. Remind it and yourself that you have confessed your sins and God who is faithful and just has forgiven you and already cleansed you of all of your unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). ‘So now the case is closed. There remains no accusing voice of condemnation against those who are joined in life-union with Jesus, the Anointed One. For the “law” of the Spirit of life flowing through the anointing of Jesus has liberated us from the “law” of sin and death.Romans 8:1-2

Write Fully Yours,

Lady Kavan

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Heart Matters

I miss you … deeply. 

I miss family dinners and ridiculous banter about nonsensical things.

I miss the belonging, flavours of family wafting through the kitchen on Sundays.

I miss the history you carry, the stories and the traditions that would have strengthened their anchors and steadied their gaze.

I miss you too… I used to believe our friendship forged in the fires of Mount Doom was unbreakable.

Sadly as the adage goes all good things come to an end.

Must they really?

I’ve been adjusting to a new type of grief lately. In some ways,  it has been a challenge to handle because it is intangible and difficult to explain. I cannot pinpoint an end date. There is no burial place. No funeral was held. There is nothing tangible to mark the end of this thing. In an article  The Best Definition of Grief, Russel Friedman defines grief as “the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.”

I am talking about grieving the living; friendships and relationships that I once held dear that I can no longer hold on to. In some of the instances, I have no opportunity to say goodbye or tell my side of the story. They simply came to grossly inaccurate conclusions and decided that a relationship with me was not in their best interest. Others came when a relationship came to a fork in the road and both of us headed down separate paths. We used to be able to connect and discuss the intricacies of the path we were on, no judgement, no conversation off limits. Then the conversations started to lose depth and now we feel like strangers holding to a shadow of what once was.

Emotional pain is a familiar institution in my heart. I thought I knew it well. But now I am discovering new hallways and rooms I didn’t know before and I am … drowning. Sinking to unexplored ocean floors where creatures of depression  and anguish jab at my heart in unexpected moments because I can’t see my way through. It seems like Ive lost my  vocabulary, my ability to express my feelings with words. Instead I eat them, my feelings that is, hoping carbohydrates will provide the endorphins I need to push me out of this cave. What could be worse than this? Losing hope because hope hurts. What if I am disappointed again; hurt again? What if happiness is the ethereal guest and anguish is the reality?

Heavy emotions, I know. And typically this is the part of the blog post I say something really inspirational to pull you out of your struggle. Here is a nugget of truth for you. Healing is a process that takes time, intentionality and lots of help from Jesus (if you are going to do it deep and do it right). Hope hurts and is scary but that’s why we need faith to reach for what we cannot see. No you may not feel better after reading this. Frankly, I’m still reeling, still healing and everyday I must ask God to help my unbelief and to give me a daily ration of the bread (the strength, wisdom and courage) to face that day and jump the next hurdle. If I’m honest the pain is still palpable but I’m doing better than 4 years ago 3 months ago and better than last week.  I’m not where I want to be or where I will be but I’m not where I was. Be gentle with yourself. You made it this far. Rest in this truth… He that began a good work in you is faithful to complete it.

Writefully Yours,

Lady Kavan

I pray with great faith for you , because I’m fully convinced that the One who began this glorious work in you will faithfully continue the process of maturing you and will put his finishing touches to it until the unveiling of our Lord Jesus Christ!
Philippians 1:6 TPT

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photo credit:


Before I get into my thoughts for the title, I want to check in with you. How are you doing really? Are you scared out of your rational mind? Are you just chilling waiting for this to be over? Leave a comment below or send me an email. I really want to hear from you.

FEAR… Big topic right now, huh. Anyone with a platform is sending well wishes. Among them these phrases are on repeat: Don’t be afraid, it will be over soon and we will get through this. Oh and this one: Troubles last for a night but joy comes in the morning. Maybe you are asking which morning because the permanently recurring weekend has you confused about which day it is. Do – not – fear. The Bible says it more than 100 times. So why do I sometimes feel this heart wrenching, breath pausing, nagging sensation when I think of the effect of this pandemic on our collective future, on my plans, on my children’s education, on my plans and on my money? Did I say my plans already? Oh yes I did. Am I the only one who now pays attention to every scratch in my throat, every cough, every hint of a symptom. I see you boo. I am not alone.

I think more than the invisible viral enemy, fear is having a rave party. If fear were a person he or she would be living their best life right now. Imagine an endless pool party, the drinks keep coming the staff serve the most exquisite foods. Fear is lying back on the pool chair watching us bob and weave in the deep end, panic on our faces, as we search for the nearest lifesaver but we are going down. So I have been wondering is it possible to be fearless, to not be afraid, to walk around with this impenetrable cloud of faith, confidence and joy. The short answer is yes. Now here is the long version.

There is a difference between feeling fear and walking in fear. Fear is a natural emotion meant to prevent us from walking unprepared into a dangerous circumstance. Our fear of falling for example, prevents us from skipping around on the ledge of a high rise building without a harness or rails. To feel fear is an innate temperature check. It is data that we need to process into usable information. How we process that data determines whether we operate in fear or faith. Is COVID-19 a real threat and danger? Rhetorical question; no response is required. Should your spidey senses go off when you are in public. Yes. Should you feel fear? You can, if it reminds you not to scratch your face or prompts you to wash your hands whenever you touch an unsanitary object. Should it cause you to build a safe room and never leave your house for 30 years? Maybe not. Should I feel a measure of fear or concern going into an examination? Sure if it pushes me to study and prepare. Susan Jeffers an American Psychologist wrote a whole book entitled “feel the fear and do it anyway”.

So what does the scripture mean when it says DO NOT BE AFRAID? Like I said, depending on the translation you use that phrase is used more than 100 times. I think it means just that; do not BE (state of being, according to Merriam Webster “to have, maintain, or occupy a place, situation, or position) of fear. Getting personal now; for me there is a lot that scares me about sharing my story with John Public. Being vulnerable carries with it a feeling of fear as my heart wants to protect itself from the onslaught of public opinion. I do it anyway. Why? Well. first of all, God said to and second if I can help someone struggle a smidgen less than I did, then my vulnerability and my experiences would not have been wasted. Do I feel fear? Yes. Do I walk in it… I try not to. Seriously guys.. still human and still working hard to get it right. I feel like its one of those life lessons that never end. You start out in kindergarten trying to understand 1 + 1 = 2, and basic concepts you will need to solve more complex calculus questions if you decide to pursue math to that level. My point is, feeling fear but learning to walk in faith is an ongoing lesson. We can and we must walk in faith over our fears. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Process the data, why do I feel this fear? What can I do to mitigate the danger? Do the benefits of my action outweigh those of my inaction?

I was in devotions one morning when I was sitting still listening for a word for ME. It’s mine guys you can’t have it. I’m kidding. It was quite simple really, “Do not be afraid from I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10). If you’re nice I’ll let you share my word. Anyway. I did a quick search of the NLT version of the phrase “I am with you” and I’m gonna let you in on the scribbles in my prayer journal.

I’ve counted 14 (2 x 7 – number of agreement x number of completeness) times when God says I am with you . Usually preceded by “do not fear” i.e. do not operate in fear. We can feel fear (natural response) but the command is do not be afraid, state of being. The reason I can operate without fear, is that God is with me. Why say do not be afraid if He didn’t recognize we would feel the emotion? He knew we would and therefore reminds us that the key to walking in faith is
“I am with you.”

Journal Entry – April 8th

So back to the impenetrable cloud of faith, confidence and joy. This is ONLY possible if I accept, believe and remind myself that God is with me. Have a bill to pay and no possible way to pay it? GOD IS WITH ME. Someone in my family dies and the pain is indescribable. GOD IS WITH ME. I lost my income or it was reduced. GOD IS WITH ME. I’m stuck in a foreign country and I can’t go home because the borders are closed. GOD IS WITH ME. I’m at home worried about whether COVID is going to snatch me. GOD IS WITH ME. The church is His Bride and He promised to be with us for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us meet. Since He is with me I can be confident that, as dark as the day may be, it will eventually be okay. Do you believe that?

Write Fully Yours

Lady Kavan

P.S. I am with you, says God.

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

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Photo by Melanie Wasser on Unsplash

Crazy without the Sun

Funny, not so funny story. I posted on instagram a couple days ago about how much I have been loving the stay at home life. The boys like being home and I have discovered I like being home too (insert shock face for all those who know me as a “do road” never like to be home kinda girl). I’ve come to notice that since God has been healing some deep soul wounds I can handle being alone and being quiet. I like spending time with me now that I’m not fighting some deep seated inner demons. Back to the story. Today Isaiah was not having it. My 6 year old broke out into tantrum like tears and epic bawling every 20 minutes over seemingly insignificant matters.

I started to wonder if some unknown force had possessed my child. No joke, I was a bit worried. Then it occured to me. He’s been inside and not seen the sun for a few days. Yes exercise time is on the homeschool curriculum but they hadn’t ventured outside. He was kicking, screaming and totally ignoring me so I called for back up. Carlton has the amazing power to calm tantrums in a minute with that manly voice, so unfair. He got dressed and went outside. Half hour in the sun and it was as if Jesus himself had rebuked the waves of torment and my happy child returned.

The metaphor was not lost on me neither was the pun. We go crazy without the Son. Hey, that rhymes too. I’m on a roll today! Seriously, have you ever started the day without inviting Jesus into it and watched your day crash and burn like a 6 car collision on a busy highway. Sometimes, actually most times it’s not even major stuff yet it feels like you’re on a shorter fuse. The person at work whose slightly irritating behaviour would normally be tolerable is so catastrophic on the Richter scale that you are actually tempted to smack them. It takes all of the Holy Spirit in you plus the fact that you need that salary come month end to walk away. Or someone cuts you off in traffic and if it weren’t for the music blaring on the radio they would hear some choice words that Jesus would not be pleased with escaping from your month. Oh and I have another one, after painstakingly packing your lunch and other items you need for the day you leave them at home in all the rush so your day feels like a taunting Philistine Giant but you have neither stone or slingshot to bring to battle.

You may be laughing but it isn’t funny. In quarantine season you need the Son and the sun. The physical sun is an antidepressant, helps lift your mood and provides nutrients your body needs. Time with the Son of God lifts your spirit and gives you the energy your spirit man needs to fight the unseen enemy Satan and COVID -19. We have more time now and less excuses. Watch the news but don’t get caught up in it. Make sure you feed your faith more than fear. Finally dont forget to be grateful. You go crazy without the Son so keep Him with you everyday, all day.

Stay safe friends!

Because I love you …

You’ve been on my mind lately. There is so much negativity bombarding your thoughts now that you need to fight back by strengthening your spirit. Like Peter in Acts 3: 6;  “I don’t have any silver or gold for you. But I’ll give you what I have.” I’ve decided to gift you with:

  1. My devotional: Grief Stricken.  It will be FREE on Kindle for 5 days starting Saturday, March 28th. Yes, you read that right, F- R – E -E. Tell someone who needs it!
  2. The electronic version of my new book (Worthy of Love and Life) goes on sale starting Saturday, March 28th, for ONLY $3.99! That’s more than half off. Again this is a limited time offer – 3 DAYS ONLY. Click the purchase link below to access.

I have only one request. If you are blessed by any of the books leave a review on Amazon. I would deeply appreciate it.


Let there be peace…

Last week I posted on my Instagram page a quote from Vinita Hampton – Wright “If you want to be an authentic writer, learn to tell the truth, to wrestle with it, to reflect on it, and then to write about it with great care. And great humility.” This is one of the powerful things about writing for me. I believe I am my truest when I pen a piece from my soul and spirit, untouched by thoughts of what someone else may think. Interestingly those evoke the most grateful responses.

Publicly I have not (until this point) commented on the COVID – 19. I’ve been in a mental wrestling match over this pandemic, mostly trying to absorb details, catch updates and avoid depression. Who could have imagined? We were hopeful at the sunset of 2019. The new decade and the new year would dawn mostly good things. Yet listening to the news feels like we are tuning into a suspense thriller. The threat of a new world war, celebrities dying tragically, earthquake, global pandemic, global pandemic and global pandemic. I almost feel like I would scream if I heard Corona, covid 19 news, memes, health advisories or how to wash your hands one more time. But we will keep hearing it, until the worst of it passes but even then, this is one of those things that will be etched in our memories and written about for a long time.

I suppose fear is an easy response in times like these. Mass hysteria and panic abound. Bare supermarket shelves, the latest update another 100 people are dead, more countries close their borders, businesses shut down, lay-offs, stock market plummeting and public events cancelled. This is new and unprecedented.  What can be done? What should be my right response and have my actions and thought processes aligned with what God says?

The “good morning Google” command to my home mini device tells me the weather, commute time to work, brief summary of my days events and then the news. I would give the command after devotions while I started getting dressed for work. When media panic started about the Corona outbreak my brain registered an “interesting” thought and I moved on with my day. But hearing the growing concern made my heart tremble a little. Who am I kidding? It trembled a LOT. You know what it was? I was tuning in to the news about the virus more than I was about any other thing. I had the infection tracker open in a side window on my computer at work and I would go look at it. When coworkers gathered to express fear and distress I would inject some calmness in the discussion but in my head the conversations would stick and replay. For a moment, my emotions got shaky. I remembered then that wherever I allow my thoughts to dwell my emotions, actions and life are soon to follow.

So I stopped dwelling on the news. Of course I still listen every morning. I pay attention to breaking news and public addresses by government officials. Clearly I can’t crawl under a rock and pretend the world isn’t in crisis. COVID – 19 is a fact of the our world’s current status quo. However, what I do recall is that I’ve seen dark days, weeks and months before. I survived them. I survived because El Ezer, the Lord who is My help is very present in times of trouble. He tells me that in this life I would experience trouble but I should not worry because He has already overcome the world. The first part of that verse (Jn 16:33) tells us why he gives this warning, so that when tumultuous times come we would remain at peace. Have you ever felt what I call strange peace? The kind of inner calm that while being aware of the drama and the madness you seem unbothered or untouched by it. The kind of calm that allows you to push through it, take it step by step and even dare to find joy. That is peace that passes understanding. That peace is available under the following conditions. Check Phil. 4: 6 if you need evidence:

  • Don’t worry about it
  • Pray about it
  • Tell God what you need
  • Give God thanks

Scripture says THEN. Without getting into an English lesson “then” at the beginning of the next verse (7) means that what comes next is conditional on what came before. Correct? Good. Let me ask you this in much the same way the bible asks it. Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? (Luke 12:35)? I think worrying adds stress, subtracts peace and multiplies the probability of illness in your body. Instead share your thoughts with God who sees you and hears you. Tell Him what you think you need. He will either give it right away, ask you to wait or provide a better option. Finally give thanks for what you already have. I talk about gratitude a lot but it truly is a gateway to deeper peace. As difficult as this social distancing, quarantine, confusing time is. Look at the opportunity it has given for millions of people to simply get off the hamster wheel and slow down. No sports and no external entertainment have forced people to bond with their families in unprecedented ways. Parents are getting to know their children again and husbands are remembering that they have a wife and vice versa. I video chatted with a friend today and believe me I have not seen her this rested in years. The luggage below her eyes have disappeared and the stress pimples have begun to clear. Thank you COVID-19!

If Phil 4:6 were the title of a book or article it would read, “Four Steps to Deeper Peace”. Are you going to take those steps so that peace beyond human understanding can wrap your mind and your heart. I really hope you do. I did and Im not worried anymore. God’s got me and one day at a time God and I will walk through this valley.

Write Fully Yours,

Lady Kavan

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Insecurity leads to disobedience

Last week my friend Crystal Daye published a couple episodes of her new podcast series “Diary of a Jesus Girl”. I tuned in while working. It was riveting but because I was short staffed and busy some of it started to fade into the background until the line I quoted as my title “insecurity leads to disobedience”. I hit rewind and listened again during my free time so I could really zone in on what was being said. That line wrecked me. She said your insecurity cannot be bigger than your willingness to obey God. I suggest you listen after reading this but the gist of what jumped out the podcast and into my thinking was that our insecurities cause us to shy away from the things we are called and have talent to do. This shrinking leads us to be disobedient i.e. we do not do what we know in our hearts God is calling us to do.

Confession time. I have always, always loved writing. When I was younger my Dad had cupboards and boxes filled with books. He would write my name on the outside edge “Kav”. It felt like he was daring me to read them all. Sydney Sheldon, Dan Brown, Danielle Steele, John Grisham were among his favorites and quickly became mine. These authors inspired me to write stories, compositions and essays of my own. I was the girl with stacks of diaries filled with thoughts, emotions and poems; lots and lots of poems. Poetry was the gateway to exploring how I really felt about things. Somehow though I never felt confident enough to share my words. My insecurities led me to withhold my gift to the world for a long time. Sure, I’d share my words to my friends as needed. I remember at university a friend started an online poetry thread and I was delighted because I could post under a pseudonym or a two and get feedback without spotlight. It was fire to my soul. The feedback was good but I never got the courage to keep writing publicly when the site closed.

After the episode I started to wonder how many souls have missed the opportunity to hear or see God through my gift. I know I can’t go back and I’ve forgiven myself but I do wonder. Instead of replaying the past like a closed loop video I will continue writing and posting as I committed at the beginning of the year. Mind you, its difficult to write impersonal posts in this space so if it isn’t real to me I won’t write about it. But one thing is for sure I am open, ready and actively using what God has invested in me. The time for procrastinating is long gone. My questions for you are: what insecurity is causing you to be disobedient? What scares you into anonymity and prevents you from sharing what God has placed on your heart and in your hands? Are you like Moses filled with excuses: I stutter, I don’t speak well, I cant … (fill in the blank). I know you were able to finish the sentence with a thought of that thing you withhold. Stop procrastinating. STOP. You know the “what”. Pray and ask for the “who”. The when is now. Start creating. Start doing. Be available, be open and stop shrinking. God will lead you to your market or to your audience. One person touched by your gift is better than burying it. Don’t let your gift die with you when it’s your time to leave this side of eternity. Let’s be like Kobe and leave it all on the court.

The words of the Apostle Paul in 2 Timothy 4 challenge me and I hope they do the same for you. He said:

As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God. The time of my death is near. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing.
2 Timothy 4:6‭-‬8 NLT

Write Fully Yours

Lady Kavan

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