*Trigger Warning* : The following post contains material about sexual abuse and violence that may be triggering or disturbing to some audiences. Reader discretion is advised.
Story Time
I was in a virtual bible study this week with my favourite faith sisters (wink, wink). During the discussion, one person shared a testimony of how God relieved the burden of friend burdened by unforgiveness. He did some sweet supernatural healing her heart. That friend was raped and I understood, deeply, her pain. Her pain was once mine too. Yet, God healed her, much like He healed me.
I took a moment to do a heart check. Have I forgiven my sexual abusers? What about the man who killed the father of my children, my first husband and very best friend at the time? Have I forgiven the people who lambasted my name with baseless accusations?
I think so…. God, Search me! Have I buried this pain or slapped a “blessed and highly favoured” band-aid on it? I come up empty. I see their faces in my mind’s eye, and in the case of the masked man, a silhouette but I feel no anger. I feel… I feel sorrow for the pain they must be in themselves. I pray God heals them and brings them peace.
Heart Questions
How do you forgive the unforgivable? How do you let go of the desire for revenge? How do you meet your enemies with love? How do you confront the one who has seemingly destroyed your life and not be angry?
Before I say the next thing, I want you to understand that I am in no way trivialising or simplifying the trauma of abuse of any kind. How can I? I carried trauma for years and unwittingly bled on my most loved ones because I couldn’t stop the haemorrhage. Abuse wounds beyond physical scars. It creeps into the psyche, the emotions and into identity. It can be debilitating and it often is. So how do you heal? How do you forgive?
Healing is a choice
It starts with a choice. Healing is a choice. Your physical body has mechanisms to begin the healing process. However, your soul’s direction is determined by the choices you make. “At some point, we must take responsibility for our destructive behaviour patterns regardless of whether they originated from a character flaw within us or in response to something external” (Lady Kavan 2020). The abuse was not your fault. But you get to choose whether you remain a prisoner for the rest of your life.
I remember after Chris died, there was a day I could not bring myself to get out of bed. It was just too much. Life was unfair, the bedrock of our family was gone, alcohol was not fixing it and I just wanted out of this life. As the boys rushed up the stairs after school, excited to see their mom, I was ashamed of the state I was in. I realised then that if I kept on this path my sons would lose two parents, not just one. I decided at that point I needed help. So that’s the first step, a decision: “I want to heal”
Next step… get help. When we get a small cut, we grab ointment and a Band-Aid and allow our bodies to do what it does; heal. But how many of us would stay home and not seek medical attention if we broke a leg or got wounded so badly we were losing pints of blood? No hands? Didn’t think so. Mental health is just as important as physical health. We need to shake all the negative stigma around seeing a mental health professional when we need to. Jesus and therapy saved my life.
Forgiveness is crucial for healing
I found crucial to my healing was learning to let go of resentment, anger and the need for revenge, in a word forgiveness. “Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.” This aligns with Mark 11: 25 “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
So going back then to the key question I posed, “how do I forgive the unforgivable?” Choose to. Super hard, I know. You may need to say it a thousand times, you may need to release the anger 10 thousand times, you may need to pray even more than that before your soul aligns with God on this matter. BUT… Your joy depends on it. Eventually your soul will begin to feel what you have declared. I found that, at least for me, when I pray for the people who hurt me, it shifts the atmosphere in my heart and overtime letting go of the offence becomes easier.
A fresh perspective
A friend shared this great conversation from Youtube that is so relevant to this topic. I hope it brings an even fresher perspective.
Finally, I leave this thought with you:
‘Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you. ‘ Philippians 4:8-9
It is difficult to harbour resentment and anger when we make a conscious effort to think about and meditate on true, honest, just, pure, and lovely things. To forgive what seems to be unforgivable we must choose to!
Write Fully Yours
Lady Kavan
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