Posts tagged grief

Forgiving the unforgivable

Christianity Life 
*Trigger Warning* : The following post contains material about sexual abuse and violence that may be triggering or disturbing to some audiences. Reader discretion is advised.

Story Time

I was in a virtual bible study this week with my favourite faith sisters (wink, wink). During the discussion, one person shared a testimony of how God relieved the burden of friend burdened by unforgiveness. He did some sweet supernatural healing her heart. That friend was raped and I understood, deeply, her pain. Her pain was once mine too. Yet, God healed her, much like He healed me.

I took a moment to do a heart check. Have I forgiven my sexual abusers? What about the man who killed the father of my children, my first husband and very best friend at the time? Have I forgiven the people who lambasted my name with baseless accusations?

I think so…. God, Search me! Have I buried this pain or slapped a “blessed and highly favoured” band-aid on it? I come up empty. I see their faces in my mind’s eye, and in the case of the masked man, a silhouette but I feel no anger. I feel… I feel sorrow for the pain they must be in themselves. I pray God heals them and brings them peace.

Heart Questions

How do you forgive the unforgivable? How do you let go of the desire for revenge? How do you meet your enemies with love? How do you confront the one who has seemingly destroyed your life and not be angry? 

Before I say the next thing, I want you to understand that I am in no way trivialising or simplifying the trauma of abuse of any kind. How can I?  I carried trauma for years and unwittingly bled on my most loved ones because I couldn’t stop the haemorrhage.  Abuse wounds beyond physical scars. It creeps into the psyche, the emotions and into identity. It can be debilitating and it often is. So how do you heal? How do you forgive?

Healing is a choice

It starts with a choice. Healing is a choice. Your physical body has mechanisms to begin the healing process. However, your soul’s direction is determined by the choices you make. “At some point, we must take responsibility for our destructive behaviour patterns regardless of whether they originated from a character flaw within us or in response to something external” (Lady Kavan 2020). The abuse was not your fault. But you get to choose whether you remain a prisoner for the rest of your life.

I remember after Chris died, there was a day I could not bring myself to get out of bed. It was just too much. Life was unfair, the bedrock of our family was gone, alcohol was not fixing it and I just wanted out of this life.  As the boys rushed up the stairs after school, excited to see their mom, I was ashamed of the state I was in. I realised then that if I kept on this path my sons would lose two parents, not just one. I decided at that point I needed help. So that’s the first step, a decision: “I want to heal”

Next step… get help. When we get a small cut, we grab ointment and a Band-Aid and allow our bodies to do what it does; heal. But how many of us would stay home and not seek medical attention if we broke a leg or got wounded so badly we were losing pints of blood? No hands? Didn’t think so. Mental health is just as important as physical health. We need to shake all the negative stigma around seeing a mental health professional when we need to. Jesus and therapy saved my life. 

Forgiveness is crucial for healing

I found crucial to my healing was learning to let go of resentment, anger and the need for revenge, in a word forgiveness. “Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.”  This aligns with Mark 11: 25 “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” 

So going back then to the key question I posed, “how do I forgive the unforgivable?” Choose to. Super hard, I know. You may need to say it a thousand times, you may need to release the anger 10 thousand times, you may need to pray even more than that before your soul aligns with God on this matter. BUT… Your joy depends on it. Eventually your soul will begin to feel what you have declared. I found that, at least for me, when I pray for the people who hurt me, it shifts the atmosphere in my heart and overtime letting go of the offence becomes easier.

A fresh perspective

A friend shared this great conversation from Youtube that is so relevant to this topic. I hope it brings an even fresher perspective. 

Finally, I leave this thought with you:

‘Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you. ‘ Philippians 4:8-9

It is difficult to harbour resentment and anger when we make a conscious effort to think about and meditate on true, honest, just, pure, and lovely things. To forgive what seems to be unforgivable we must choose to!

Write Fully Yours

Lady Kavan

To read more from Lady Kavan, check out her blog 

You can find Lady Kavan on Amazon. Follow this link for an overview of her available books

Unexpected Grief Waves

Grief Life
dark water

Recently, I’ve been having a series of small unexpected waves of grief. The waves show up at the oddest time.

I’m sitting on the couch watching episode 4 of the final season of “This is Us” and I’m crying my eyes out. I know, I know. That series in and of itself is a recipe for tears and emotional trauma. But honestly, it pulls me in when I know I need a good cry. 

A couple Sundays ago the worship team sang “Great are you Lord” and I fought hard to swallow the large dry lump that had formed in my throat. The tears didn’t start in response to worship but rather the memory the song sparked. You see, it was his favorite song. Hearing it brought me back to standing in a pew of purple chairs, seeing his hands stick out of the sound room while he belted out the song from the depth of his soul. I brought my attention back to worship and the wave subsided. 

The waves have kept coming – many little ones – unexpected like the tremors before the major earthquake. They show up with Matthew’s quizzical expressions, Isaiah’s 100 questions or inquiries about how the boys are doing. These invariably lead to thoughts of “I wish he could have seen the boys now”.

The irony is, I am at a place of genuine happiness and peace in my life. So it may seem quite strange, in the midst of this satiated state, that grief comes gently knocking. I am sharing this to remind you; it is not strange. Unexpected waves of grief are normal.

I love this quote pic I found on twitter:

I believe, like Scribbles & crumbs, that because love “never ends” (1 Cor 13: 8) we will live with the impression of those who have gone before us. Always. Love may change how it expresses itself, but real love doesn’t just go “poof”.

Allow your heart to feel and then release pangs of “I miss you”. There is no shame in it. Embrace and release. It doesn’t matter if it has been 10 yrs, 10 weeks or 10 days. Embrace and release. Understand dear that grief is a natural response to change or loss of any kind.

Losing a loved one is the most permanent loss or change. No matter how long it has been, that change will be inscribed in your heart forever. Learn to expect unexpected grief. Does that make sense? I hope it does.

There is a “but” though. Grief is not an excuse to stay stuck. Cry when you need to, but get up. 

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Nelson Mandela.

I leave this word with you: The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 . Lean in to the one who is close and willing to save.

Here is a bonus…

Seven Scriptures that Help to Comfort Me in Grief

7 Scripture references to help handle grief
7 Grief Scriptures

These are my personal favorites:

  1. Psalms 73:26 – My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
  2. Matthew 11:28 – Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
  3. Psalm 34:18 – The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
  4. Isaiah 41:10 – Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
  5. John 14:16-18 – …the Holy Spirit of Truth, who will be to you a friend just like me—and he will never leave you. … “I promise that I will never leave you helpless or abandon you as orphans—I will come back to you! ‘
  6. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2,4 – ‘For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; ‘
  7. John 16:33 – ‘I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.’

Write Fully Yours,

Lady Kavan

To read more from Lady Kavan, check out her blog 

You can find Lady Kavan on Amazon. Follow this link for an overview of her available books

Grief and Gratitude

Christianity Grief Life

Just over a year ago I wrote about my friend Liz (Elizabeth Stanley) who would post a fresh “up and thankful” message every morning as a daily gratitude ritual. Those messages were even more special because I knew they didn’t come from a place of comfort. She was battling cancer again and this time the doctors were less hopeful. Not Liz. She fought hard, she fought well and what was most inspiring for me is that she fought with joy and worship. Liz went home on March 20, 2021. I imagine her hailing her friends, worshipping extravagantly and reasoning with the elders. I feel that familiar sting… the dichotomy of being happy she is resting and sad that she had to leave.

I met Liz at church almost 10 years ago. At the time she was a new convert excited about the word, grateful that Jesus snatched her from the pits of hell and cancer. She was in remission. She reminded me of the woman at the well who at the discovery of living water went and told everybody. Emphasis on the everybody. Liz always invited people to church but more so invited them to see the Jesus she met at her own well. She was a city on a hill that could not be hid. She had discovered a fresh spring and new joy in Adonai and everyone who knew her knew it. Liz was bold.

I already miss her up and thankful posts. Liz was an inspiration to be grateful and to worship through it all. Can I truly say that I am like that naturally? I mean in the way Liz was. I confess, I sometimes get internally “complainy” and weighed down before I start making my gratitude list. Getting back to that place of gratitude and worship always takes my eyes off the circumstance and squared on the Giver of All Good Things. When I reflect on Liz I think of Phillipians 4 and I am challenged and encouraged to increase my resolve to “Be cheerful with joyous celebration in every season of life. Let joy overflow, for you are united with the Anointed One !” Philippians 4:4 TPT

I know I talk about gratitude and grief a lot. Loss reminds me of the brevity of life. It reminds me that we are but a whisper reverberating through the waves of time. I must make my whisper count. Gratitude keeps me grounded and focused on what matters; God, the relationships he blesses me with and the opportunities to help someone else feel less alone and less pain. While I live the purpose is Christ when I die it’s gain for me. Liz has gained her crown and I am happy for her. I just miss those up and thankful messages. Her light continues to encourage my heart to worship. 

Write Fully Yours,

Lady Kavan

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For Anty

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I can’t remember her not being there. I’ve known her all my life. She was… so strange to use that tense … it must not be true. Why should I have to count you among the precious treasures lost in the year that was 2020? Grief comes in waves and I suppose my thoughts of you today beckoned this  tumult over my soul.

Aunt Novlyn was my mother’s best friend and at some point was also her sister in law. I simply called her Anty. In Jamaican parlance, we would tease them as “bench and batty” in other words inseparable. Few people could engage my mom in long conversation without her recoiling to her introverted shell. Anty could. Let’s not get into the shopping expeditions, the baking and cooking marathons or the vacation trips they did together. They were sisters-in-love; sisters by choice.

She was present at every one of my major life events that I can remember except one. She would say “niecey, you alright? We have to be grateful for another day.” I would respond, “Yes Anty, I’m okay.” Only now, with this, I am not okay. My mom is sad and I didn’t get to say goodbye. Regret is grief’s worse enemy. I hadn’t told you I love you in a while. I hadn’t shared how happy I was with how you looked after mom since I’ve been away, since always really. I hadn’t told you that your friendship was a goal for me; 4 decades, 4 children, 3 marriages, divorce and widowhood. Your relationship stood the test of time and I admired it. I suppose I assumed you would be here longer. I didn’t realize you were so ill but it is my fault that I hadn’t checked in. I didn’t tell you how I appreciated every sumptuous meal, every scavenger hunt to the stores in town to get what I needed and your words of encouragement when I became a widow because you had been on that road before. You understood my pain and you gave me hope. My Anty, I will never forget.

Loss and pain is a difficult part of the human experience. You can expect it but nothing quite prepares you for it. Emotional resilience is not achieved by ignoring how you feel. It is acknowledging, embracing and releasing the pain when it subsides. Emotional resilience is an adaptation within your being. It is the building of emotional muscles to lift the heavy weight of pain, grief and suffering. Fortunately, we need not suffer alone.  The Lord is close to all whose hearts are crushed by pain, and he is always ready to restore the repentant one. Psalms 34:18 TPT.

Write Fully Yours,

Lady Kavan

PS. I want to pray for those of my readers grieving or hurting. Message me in the comments or send me an email.

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It’s Healthy to Remember

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It was close to midnight. The house was quiet because everyone had retreated to bed. The night light was my only visible company and my thoughts became almost audible. The thoughts I had been avoiding all week found an audience with my consciousness. It was the eve of December 7th and I did not know what to do with it, how I would respond or how I should respond. On the one hand, who wants to recall the horror of it all. Yet, I knew I could not ignore it.

There was a lot happening, I had set the release date of the devotional to December 7th, hoping to mix a little joy into the sadness I invariably felt on this day. It is as if my mind has permission from an unknown source on this day, to mount the memory of that horrid morning on the screen of my mind. Replay, rewind, repeat. Learning to grief with hope is still an active lesson in life’s curriculum for me and I’m still trying to get it right.

I spent the day riding the waves. I cried when I needed to but was intentional about finding reasons to smile or even laugh. I was excited that the devotional was out and that people were encouraged by it. I was honoured that at least my pain could be used for something beyond me. I was grateful that somehow God was able to process the mess of that day to fertilize growth in the future.

Eventually, I want to get beyond “surviving” the day. I want to be able to explain to the boys, when they are older, what happened that morning. I want them, us, to remember December 7th as the day their father gave the ultimate sacrifice in an attempt to keep them safe. It’s the day that reminds us, pushes us even, to live fully. Anything less is an indictment on his memory. To live less than fully would refute the sacrifice he made, he would have died for nothing.

I can’t help but think how much this should already be the case for those of us who accept the gift of Christ’s sacrifice. He gave it all, not just for earthly abundance but a far more eternal gift. I feel as though I’ve been doubled dared to live and to do it fully holding nothing back. Like His heavenly Father, my late husband Chris did nothing in half measures. He was an all or nothing kind of guy. He was either a christian or not, he was either committed to a task or not. If he gave his word he honored it. Those lessons I take with me now every day. Lessons I commit to teaching our sons.

“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” (Jn 10:10, NLT). When I reflect on that morning the thief did accomplish its mission from a physical or temporal perspective with the ultimate aim of stealing my faith, killing my hope and destroying any path to a successful future.  However, My God in His ability to do abundantly above our thoughts and imagination provides for needs we didn’t realize we had.  This includes the need for peace and a firm anchoring in Him that has nothing to do with possession, other people, or circumstances. In that place, His plans, opportunities and purpose unveil themselves like a comet in the night sky.

My encouragement is no matter how dark the day, hold on to the  immutable hands of a Good Father who loves you more than you can fathom. I double dare you. LIVE!