Posts tagged selfhelp

In the meantime

Christianity

Monday Devotional – September 19 2022

In the meantime

“The first thing I observed under the sun was that we spend most of our lives waiting. There is always going to be a gap between where we are and where we want to be in some aspect of our lives. Everyone is waiting for something” Lady Kavan (Lessons in the Wait)

Read: 

'But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] Will gain new strength and renew their power; They will lift up their wings [and rise up close to God] like eagles [rising toward the sun]; They will run and not become weary, They will walk and not grow tired.' Isaiah 40:31

Reflect: 

I’ve heard it said that when we pray God gives one of  three answers; yes , no or wait. Of those three words the one that causes me the most sleepless nights, obsessive overthinking, tears, discomfort, weariness and sometimes outright anger is”wait”. I do not like waiting. Last year around this time I prepared a piece called Lessons in the Wait which was posted on Crystal Daye’s website. I find it interesting that sometimes a word of encouragement boldly declared in one season to another person is the same one you have to draw from to encourage yourself in another. Alas, as I reflect on this popular scripture in the amplified verson, my thoughts have been coming back to this concept of active waiting. What do I do while I wait for the next promise, the next opportunity the next thing?

For a long time my image of waiting was passive, still and inactive. These days I have come to understand the concept as one that more closely aligns with a waiter serving at a busy restaurant. To wait tables is to actively tend to the needs of the people you serve. A waiter who saunters, is lackluster or who sits relaxed while his guests are left in limbo is not seen as doing their job. So too must we learn to accept and practice active waiting.

What we do “in the meantime” matters. 

As I continue to learn to submit to the Sovereign will of God I realize that I will not always like His answers. But God is more concerned with teaching me to see, and walk in,  the  image of Himself He created me to be, rather than temporary comfort. So I remind myself, look for the lessons while you wait. Pray and do. Trust, expect, look for and hope in God while you fly, run and walk. That kind of waiting gives strength. 

Finally I leave this thought and scripture with you. A skilled farmer trains himself in times and seasons. He ploughs, plants and prunes. He puts in the work preparing for a harvest he hopes for but cant 100% definitively predict. He expects that if he sews a harvest is inevitable the “when” is up to God, science and nature. So must we sew in every area of our lives that we expect a harvest. ‘Meanwhile, brothers and sisters, we must be patient and filled with expectation as we wait for the appearing of the Lord. Think about the farmer who has to patiently wait for the earth’s harvest as it ripens because of the early and latter rains. So you also, keep your hopes high and be patient, for the presence of the Lord is drawing closer. ‘ James (Jacob) 5:7-8

Song of the Week:

Journal Prompt: 

What am I waiting for?

How can I actively wait (what steps of faith can I take while I wait?)

Declaration: 

I will actively wait on the Lord. I will pray and do. I will have faith and work towards my goals.

—————————–

Have a great week!

See you next week for another Devotional by Lady Kavan.

To read more from Lady Kavan, check out her blog 

You can find Lady Kavan on Amazon. Follow this link for an overview of her available books

Forgiving the unforgivable

Christianity Life 
*Trigger Warning* : The following post contains material about sexual abuse and violence that may be triggering or disturbing to some audiences. Reader discretion is advised.

Story Time

I was in a virtual bible study this week with my favourite faith sisters (wink, wink). During the discussion, one person shared a testimony of how God relieved the burden of friend burdened by unforgiveness. He did some sweet supernatural healing her heart. That friend was raped and I understood, deeply, her pain. Her pain was once mine too. Yet, God healed her, much like He healed me.

I took a moment to do a heart check. Have I forgiven my sexual abusers? What about the man who killed the father of my children, my first husband and very best friend at the time? Have I forgiven the people who lambasted my name with baseless accusations?

I think so…. God, Search me! Have I buried this pain or slapped a “blessed and highly favoured” band-aid on it? I come up empty. I see their faces in my mind’s eye, and in the case of the masked man, a silhouette but I feel no anger. I feel… I feel sorrow for the pain they must be in themselves. I pray God heals them and brings them peace.

Heart Questions

How do you forgive the unforgivable? How do you let go of the desire for revenge? How do you meet your enemies with love? How do you confront the one who has seemingly destroyed your life and not be angry? 

Before I say the next thing, I want you to understand that I am in no way trivialising or simplifying the trauma of abuse of any kind. How can I?  I carried trauma for years and unwittingly bled on my most loved ones because I couldn’t stop the haemorrhage.  Abuse wounds beyond physical scars. It creeps into the psyche, the emotions and into identity. It can be debilitating and it often is. So how do you heal? How do you forgive?

Healing is a choice

It starts with a choice. Healing is a choice. Your physical body has mechanisms to begin the healing process. However, your soul’s direction is determined by the choices you make. “At some point, we must take responsibility for our destructive behaviour patterns regardless of whether they originated from a character flaw within us or in response to something external” (Lady Kavan 2020). The abuse was not your fault. But you get to choose whether you remain a prisoner for the rest of your life.

I remember after Chris died, there was a day I could not bring myself to get out of bed. It was just too much. Life was unfair, the bedrock of our family was gone, alcohol was not fixing it and I just wanted out of this life.  As the boys rushed up the stairs after school, excited to see their mom, I was ashamed of the state I was in. I realised then that if I kept on this path my sons would lose two parents, not just one. I decided at that point I needed help. So that’s the first step, a decision: “I want to heal”

Next step… get help. When we get a small cut, we grab ointment and a Band-Aid and allow our bodies to do what it does; heal. But how many of us would stay home and not seek medical attention if we broke a leg or got wounded so badly we were losing pints of blood? No hands? Didn’t think so. Mental health is just as important as physical health. We need to shake all the negative stigma around seeing a mental health professional when we need to. Jesus and therapy saved my life. 

Forgiveness is crucial for healing

I found crucial to my healing was learning to let go of resentment, anger and the need for revenge, in a word forgiveness. “Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.”  This aligns with Mark 11: 25 “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” 

So going back then to the key question I posed, “how do I forgive the unforgivable?” Choose to. Super hard, I know. You may need to say it a thousand times, you may need to release the anger 10 thousand times, you may need to pray even more than that before your soul aligns with God on this matter. BUT… Your joy depends on it. Eventually your soul will begin to feel what you have declared. I found that, at least for me, when I pray for the people who hurt me, it shifts the atmosphere in my heart and overtime letting go of the offence becomes easier.

A fresh perspective

A friend shared this great conversation from Youtube that is so relevant to this topic. I hope it brings an even fresher perspective. 

Finally, I leave this thought with you:

‘Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you. ‘ Philippians 4:8-9

It is difficult to harbour resentment and anger when we make a conscious effort to think about and meditate on true, honest, just, pure, and lovely things. To forgive what seems to be unforgivable we must choose to!

Write Fully Yours

Lady Kavan

To read more from Lady Kavan, check out her blog 

You can find Lady Kavan on Amazon. Follow this link for an overview of her available books

Unexpected Grief Waves

Grief Life
dark water

Recently, I’ve been having a series of small unexpected waves of grief. The waves show up at the oddest time.

I’m sitting on the couch watching episode 4 of the final season of “This is Us” and I’m crying my eyes out. I know, I know. That series in and of itself is a recipe for tears and emotional trauma. But honestly, it pulls me in when I know I need a good cry. 

A couple Sundays ago the worship team sang “Great are you Lord” and I fought hard to swallow the large dry lump that had formed in my throat. The tears didn’t start in response to worship but rather the memory the song sparked. You see, it was his favorite song. Hearing it brought me back to standing in a pew of purple chairs, seeing his hands stick out of the sound room while he belted out the song from the depth of his soul. I brought my attention back to worship and the wave subsided. 

The waves have kept coming – many little ones – unexpected like the tremors before the major earthquake. They show up with Matthew’s quizzical expressions, Isaiah’s 100 questions or inquiries about how the boys are doing. These invariably lead to thoughts of “I wish he could have seen the boys now”.

The irony is, I am at a place of genuine happiness and peace in my life. So it may seem quite strange, in the midst of this satiated state, that grief comes gently knocking. I am sharing this to remind you; it is not strange. Unexpected waves of grief are normal.

I love this quote pic I found on twitter:

I believe, like Scribbles & crumbs, that because love “never ends” (1 Cor 13: 8) we will live with the impression of those who have gone before us. Always. Love may change how it expresses itself, but real love doesn’t just go “poof”.

Allow your heart to feel and then release pangs of “I miss you”. There is no shame in it. Embrace and release. It doesn’t matter if it has been 10 yrs, 10 weeks or 10 days. Embrace and release. Understand dear that grief is a natural response to change or loss of any kind.

Losing a loved one is the most permanent loss or change. No matter how long it has been, that change will be inscribed in your heart forever. Learn to expect unexpected grief. Does that make sense? I hope it does.

There is a “but” though. Grief is not an excuse to stay stuck. Cry when you need to, but get up. 

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Nelson Mandela.

I leave this word with you: The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 . Lean in to the one who is close and willing to save.

Here is a bonus…

Seven Scriptures that Help to Comfort Me in Grief

7 Scripture references to help handle grief
7 Grief Scriptures

These are my personal favorites:

  1. Psalms 73:26 – My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
  2. Matthew 11:28 – Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
  3. Psalm 34:18 – The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
  4. Isaiah 41:10 – Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
  5. John 14:16-18 – …the Holy Spirit of Truth, who will be to you a friend just like me—and he will never leave you. … “I promise that I will never leave you helpless or abandon you as orphans—I will come back to you! ‘
  6. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2,4 – ‘For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; ‘
  7. John 16:33 – ‘I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.’

Write Fully Yours,

Lady Kavan

To read more from Lady Kavan, check out her blog 

You can find Lady Kavan on Amazon. Follow this link for an overview of her available books

Imposter Syndrome

Christianity Grief Life 3 Comments

I’ve had the title of this post in my draft for a long time. When I say a long time I’m talking about more than a year. It started during the process of designing the cover for my second book. My coach reminded me to use my best selling author title and I cringed. I stared at the evidence, I shared it with the designer but I still felt inadequate and undeserving. I struggled and I still struggle with balancing the concept of humility with the fact that I have a God given message and mandate that I need to have heard. I know for sure that I am Worthy of Life and Love yet my insecurities whisper… “imposter”.

But what place does an imposter syndrome have in the heart of one called chosen by God? God says I am royalty even before I wrote the first word in my books or started a blog page. As a daughter of the God who calls Himself Love, I am loved immeasurably, immensely and immutably. Shouldn’t that be enough? It should be. It is. So why struggle Kavanaugh? Immediately my mind recalls a quote from Marianne Williamson. It’s a popular one. I remember I printed it and had a copy posted on my desk some years ago. It speaks to being intimidated by the light and power within us. Christ is my light. Why would that cause me to retreat or feel insecure?

As I grapple with these thoughts I realized a truth in my own heart. I’m afraid to be different. I’ve always felt “not like the others”. I was either too young, too smart, not smart enough, too small, too quirky, not rich enough, not poor enough. I spent lots of time trying to blend and to be a part of. My special skill is bringing people together, assimilation and finding that middle ground. If I am all things to all people then it increases my chances to be loved by many. Alas my heart needs more healing. So grateful to Holy Spirit who heals in layers. While my skill is usable by God, motive is always the heart of the matter. A good thing can become a bad thing if the motive or rationale is rooted in wrong thinking. I must unlearn any wrong thinking that inhibits me from being who I am called to be.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” M. Williamson.

Here’s my challenge to myself. I’m putting it out there because I need you to keep me honest.

  • I will embrace my different
  • I will not dim my light or retreat to safety
  • I will speak up more frequently

What promises do you need to make to yourself? What wrong thinking is keeping your light hidden? I leave this scripture with you: “So don’t hide your light! Let it shine brightly before others, so that your commendable works will shine as light upon them, and then they will give their praise to your Father in heaven.””
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:16‬ ‭TPT‬‬
Write Fully Yours,

Lady Kavan

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Heart Matters

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I miss you … deeply. 

I miss family dinners and ridiculous banter about nonsensical things.

I miss the belonging, flavours of family wafting through the kitchen on Sundays.

I miss the history you carry, the stories and the traditions that would have strengthened their anchors and steadied their gaze.

I miss you too… I used to believe our friendship forged in the fires of Mount Doom was unbreakable.

Sadly as the adage goes all good things come to an end.

Must they really?

I’ve been adjusting to a new type of grief lately. In some ways,  it has been a challenge to handle because it is intangible and difficult to explain. I cannot pinpoint an end date. There is no burial place. No funeral was held. There is nothing tangible to mark the end of this thing. In an article  The Best Definition of Grief, Russel Friedman defines grief as “the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.”

I am talking about grieving the living; friendships and relationships that I once held dear that I can no longer hold on to. In some of the instances, I have no opportunity to say goodbye or tell my side of the story. They simply came to grossly inaccurate conclusions and decided that a relationship with me was not in their best interest. Others came when a relationship came to a fork in the road and both of us headed down separate paths. We used to be able to connect and discuss the intricacies of the path we were on, no judgement, no conversation off limits. Then the conversations started to lose depth and now we feel like strangers holding to a shadow of what once was.

Emotional pain is a familiar institution in my heart. I thought I knew it well. But now I am discovering new hallways and rooms I didn’t know before and I am … drowning. Sinking to unexplored ocean floors where creatures of depression  and anguish jab at my heart in unexpected moments because I can’t see my way through. It seems like Ive lost my  vocabulary, my ability to express my feelings with words. Instead I eat them, my feelings that is, hoping carbohydrates will provide the endorphins I need to push me out of this cave. What could be worse than this? Losing hope because hope hurts. What if I am disappointed again; hurt again? What if happiness is the ethereal guest and anguish is the reality?

Heavy emotions, I know. And typically this is the part of the blog post I say something really inspirational to pull you out of your struggle. Here is a nugget of truth for you. Healing is a process that takes time, intentionality and lots of help from Jesus (if you are going to do it deep and do it right). Hope hurts and is scary but that’s why we need faith to reach for what we cannot see. No you may not feel better after reading this. Frankly, I’m still reeling, still healing and everyday I must ask God to help my unbelief and to give me a daily ration of the bread (the strength, wisdom and courage) to face that day and jump the next hurdle. If I’m honest the pain is still palpable but I’m doing better than 4 years ago 3 months ago and better than last week.  I’m not where I want to be or where I will be but I’m not where I was. Be gentle with yourself. You made it this far. Rest in this truth… He that began a good work in you is faithful to complete it.

Writefully Yours,

Lady Kavan

I pray with great faith for you , because I’m fully convinced that the One who began this glorious work in you will faithfully continue the process of maturing you and will put his finishing touches to it until the unveiling of our Lord Jesus Christ!
Philippians 1:6 TPT

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photo credit: https://isaw.company/2017/11/16/vapours-of-sadness/

Up and Thankful

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I have a friend Liz (Elizabeth Stanley) who is battling with cancer. Each morning I look for her status updates on WhatsApp…. “Up and thankful” she says every morning. She goes on to extol God in a few updates declaring Him her healer or whatever perspective she has of God that morning. It’s never the same updates either, not copy and pasted from yesterday. She posts pics of her family and all the people she loves. It is beautiful. She battles the scary monsters in her life with gratitude.

I imagine that every morning can’t feel like sunshine and roses but she declares who her God is, not what she is going through. Scripture says in everything in all circumstances give thanks (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Everything? All things? Nah maybe that should read most things or some things. Yet, when I get complainy and agitated that my circumstance doesn’t reflect my expectation, that scripture whispers to my soul. I’ll admit, sometimes I do an internal eye roll and think You must be kidding. I take a deep breath and I start grasping at what feels like straws scattered across motionful ocean. But as I begrudgingly note the little things I am grateful for I start finding more. The straws become logs or a door I can lay on until the rescue boat arrives. I’m sorry if you didn’t get that Titanic reference but it was too easy not to use. I digress.

Up and thankful! I am alive and clearly if you are reading this so are you. Believe me, if you think of your darkest day, the day that makes you cringe when you think about it, even that day has some thing you can be grateful for. On my darkest day the best of us was stolen from us but it could have been six of us. On that day every device of value was stolen except the one resting prominently on the chest of drawers a gift Chris had sacrificed to buy for Matthew. It would be the last one. See gratitude is possible.

Think back on your D-day. What can you be thankful for? And if that day isn’t today it should be easier to make a list. If you need to write them down so you can repeat them through the day. Do that.

Today I’m grateful for…

You taking the time to read my posts

I am physically well

I am loved and I know it

My boys did not wake me up early, they let me sleep in

My Family

God’s peace that rests in my heart in a way I cant understand

The deals I’m believing for when I go to the supermarket today. 🙂

Now it’s your turn. Post your gratitude list in the comment section below.

Write Fully Yours
Lady Kavan