Have you ever looked back at something you did and literally cringed. I certainly have a few (don’t be modest Kavanaugh), a lot of cringeworthy moments. In fact, I have whole seasons. In my book, Worthy of Life and Love I spoke about how my unhealed places almost cost me my first marriage. What I didn’t mention was the friendships I lost along the way. You see, these untreated wounds caused a paradox between my faith and my actions. I must have confused a few people. In 2004, I wrote a poem about this paradox:
Place where what you believe and what you do take separate roadsKavanaugh (January 29, 2004)
Atrophy of the mind… consuming confusion condemns
Ready to rear its ugly head
An anamoly by definition; it does not fit like
Darwinian Judeo-Christianic fanatacism and holy whores
Only making sense in reality but never in theory
X-ray her mind and you may find a holy whore hoping He’ll heal her
So last week, when a picture of an old acquaintance popped up on my social feed, I cringed. Then, I broke out in full blown tears in the car parking lot. What I felt was shame, disappointment in myself and the pain of lost relationships all over again. In my rant to God I explained how hurt I was that people I held dear walked away, chaining me to my flaws and my past without seeing anything else. Were they my friends anyway? At the same time, part of me knew that the paradox I spoke of earlier caused mistrust in my intentions and character. Regardless, in that moment I realized I was still carrying that pain. I was mad at me for the ways that my life had not lined up with my faith and sad that I may have caused a few to stumble. I was tempted to wallow in self loathing but then I heard His Spirit say “you’ve already been forgiven; can you forgive yourself?”
Isn’t that a wonderful picture of grace – favor unmerited and unearned? ‘For it was only through this wonderful grace that we believed in him. Nothing we did could ever earn this salvation, for it was the gracious gift from God that brought us to Christ! So no one will ever be able to boast, for salvation is never a reward for good works or human striving.’ Ephesians 2:8-9. I was listening to a message by Pastor Furtick in which he said: “dont judge your yesterdays decisions with today’s wisdom”. That line smacked me in the heart in a good way. Had I known then what I know now I wouldn’t have done the things I did, but I couldn’t have known the things I do now without those cringeworthy experiences. I can’t undo my history but I can ditch “the ghost of me – past”. I cannot let her hold me back or make me shrink in shame for things that have already been forgiven. God is able to heal hearts, even the ones I broke and I have to trust that He will take care of it. Trust me I am not being cavalier or unfeeling. I must remain open to God’s prompting if he opens a door to reconciliation or healing in an area of my past but I also understand I won’t always be able to fix it.
So when the “ghost of you – past” pays you a visit, carrying with it a long list of your indiscretions and straight up horrible things that you did, do yourself a favour. Remind it and yourself that you have confessed your sins and God who is faithful and just has forgiven you and already cleansed you of all of your unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). ‘So now the case is closed. There remains no accusing voice of condemnation against those who are joined in life-union with Jesus, the Anointed One. For the “law” of the Spirit of life flowing through the anointing of Jesus has liberated us from the “law” of sin and death.‘ Romans 8:1-2
Write Fully Yours,
For updates on Lady Kavan please subscribe to my mailing list. Click HERE to subscribe
If you never want to miss a blog post click the link for “Follow” to get notified when a new post is out.